In one last desperate attempt to get my psychiatrist to prescribe me with some form anti-depressant I have decided to release my usually suppressed pathologically demand avoidant intellect and turn this hopeless situation into one that is more in my favor. Such an impulsive idea makes me think this is another one of my manic ‘themes.’ The latest one had something to do with The Kinks and fashion but Carl Jung yet again put me on the right path.
Do you really think the person writing this does not need to be medicated?
My psychiatrist recommended I look up social anxiety and Asperger’s syndrome because those things are so unknown to me, right? Then I started thinking about just talking about my social anxiety and bring up that I think it’s more general anxiety. Don’t get me wrong; I have very severe crippling delusional paranoid fantasies when it comes to my social anxiety. I can go from feeling normal and someone will just look at me and I’ll feel a hot flush and wonder ‘why do you hate me?’
My most crippling anxiety is over change and taking orders from other people. I like to feel in control of myself and most things around me but I’ve cooled down my demanding way of making everyone aware of this and following my routine down to a T and instead just try my best to work around them.
Usually my own passive avoidance is enough but when people push me it leads to breakdowns, meltdowns and the creation of very anti-social thoughts in my mind. It makes me flirt with oppositional defiance disorder which is the childhood version of anti-social personality disorder, which is not sociopathy but more a complete disregard for the rules or the feelings of other people because you’re sick of being backed into a corner and you just want to be left alone with your solitary interests but the world won’t allow you to; no, you’re capable of much more than this – you’re just putting limits on yourself. So, you feel like burning and smashing and self-harming, not because you feel numb but because…I haven’t worked that out yet. Maybe it’s leading towards suicide. When you have both mania and depression at once that’s when you want to and can do it; you’ve finally got a lot of energy to carry it out.
I’m thinking focusing on this type of anxiety might get some response from my psychiatrist.
I recently started taking Ritalin again, recreationally, although still to medicate myself. It was a horrible day. I was in a crowded and hot environment. Alcohol was just making me tired and I barely ate at all. I was worried about many things such as getting good enough photos of the bands playing that day so I took along 4 or 5 camera lenses. But then my energy just disappeared and I felt like I was stretching myself to remain there and watch the band’s whole set.
The whole time I wanted more energy and I knew one tiny little tablet of Ritalin could do that and also give me a lot of physical complications. When I did take it mania was guaranteed. Before I took it I just struggled to say anything to anyone and my friend’s and I had met the band after the show and I was just desperate for more energy and to say anything. So I took it with alcohol and I knew exactly what chemical reaction was to happen as a cause of that.
If it wasn’t for noticing a familiar face from my past being there I might have still had a hard time getting along with anyone. I wasn’t anxious then but it was soon to follow. A few stares my way made me feel those familiar pangs but it wasn’t to bother me yet. Despite Ritalin throwing me into often delusional manias with other forms of psychosis it was controlling my usual unstable emotions.
As for my experience I was a loud chatterbox barely able to stay on the same topic for more than ten seconds. If someone said they will be back soon I’d walk off right away and the only thing that wasn’t happening is I wasn’t having racing thoughts. When the party dispersed I wasn’t done despite my feelings about ‘the loneliness of bipolar disorder: that even when surrounded by people you end up partying on your own.’ So I kept drinking and hanging out and almost made the stereotypical bad decisions but was able to stop myself and leave before things led to disaster. And then I cried myself to sleep and for the next couple of days struggled with suicidal thoughts about the night where I tried so hard to fit in I risked my own mental health, again. It made me remember that I’m really not in as much control of this disorder as much as I’d like to think I am. I can avoid making my moods worse but there will always be the temptation of making myself manic which eventually makes my moods worse and more unstable.
For the past six or seven months I have really tried to fit in better with a group of people and that night I felt rejection from them. It might have gone back further than six or seven months but that’s how long it’s been when mania decided to take over and told me this can happen, we can do anything. They will love us. We will belong.
I’ve had many thoughts to build myself up about living this dream and now all I want to do is medicate it completely away because I know it is possible. I can manage for a time with my own problem solving strategies but I still fall back into this way of thinking and the extreme obsessive feelings whenever I become hypomanic or fall deeper into depression. Sometimes I use it to mitigate depression but it just takes me from one delusional state into another.
So…that seems like another good topic to bring up with my psychiatrist.
The problem is I’m not very good at talking about my feelings and if someone deliberately turns the conversation onto something more about what they think is going on with me it’s impossible to fight it. I’m never going to feel ok about having to take medication again even if it can turn my life around so even though I want it I’m not going to persist asking when my suggestion gets turned down when I have my own worries about taking it.
Mania is mania too. It can make me feel extremely confident and the ideas will just be flowing and for someone who doesn’t usually have a lot of energy it can keep me on my feet all day. I’m more social and able to focus that it’s like taking Ritalin without the side effects. Instead there are regrets when the fun part is over and the agitation begins which eventually leads to another brief but severe depression, often with suicidal thoughts.
How do I keep going after living through all of this? How do I still face every day when these episodes can happen at any moment? What I eat, drink and the level of stress I’m under all can contribute to them. Don’t even get me started on what a hormone imbalance can do to them too.
For now I have to manage the moods on my own and I have to ignore the obsessive thoughts and feelings and try to overcome this dark period of my life. But am I strong enough?
I could always ask my psychiatrist if he thinks I could have borderline personality disorder. It’s the one condition I’m likely to get misdiagnosed with. I could possibly have it but I don’t know how to self-treat it like I can bipolar. My moods to me are cyclic and so they are temporary. A more positive one will eventually take the place of the negative ones. When I think of borderline I have no idea how to treat the moods and I begin to feel very anxious.
So, I have just over one month before I see my psychiatrist again. My brother has offered to help me find another but I’m unsure. I don’t have the most typical case of bipolar and I just feel like I will struggle to explain my symptoms coherently to them and how they affect me. I know what you’re thinking: I seem to explain myself clearly enough through my writing but my ability to explain myself through writing is leaps and bounds ahead of me explaining myself through speech.
There’s also the case of me either thinking the symptoms never happened after I recover or hypomania will lead me to believe yet again that it’s worth going through the bad to get to the good (mania).
Five days into the New Year and I’m already overwhelmed from my worries.